Why Peter M. Ball is right, again and as usual

A while back, Peter M. Ball opined somewhere (perhaps Facebook, perhaps his own blog), that Edgar Rice Burroughs's opus A Princess of Mars was unspeakable, unreadable tripe.

"Huh," I thought. "I've been meaning to read that. I'll go see for myself."

It is unspeakable, unreadable tripe.

Why? Because it is the worst Mary Sue I have ever read, and that includes the ones I've written. Here's just a taste:

She had sunk into one of the golden thrones, and as I turned to her she greeted me with a wan smile.

"Was there ever such a man!" she exclaimed. "I know that Barsoom [Mars] has never before seen your like. Can it be that all Earth men are as you? Alone, a stranger, hunted, threatened, persecuted, you have done in a few short months what in all the past ages of Barsoom no man has ever done: joined together the wild hordes of the sea bottoms and brought them to fight as allies of a red Martian people."

"The answer is easy, Dejah Thoris," I replied smiling. "It was not I who did it, it was love, love for Dejah Thoris, a power that would work greater miracles than this you have seen."

A pretty flush overspread her face....

Yeah. This guy John Carter is beloved of the only hot babe in the book, idolized by dogs and horses, the object of admiration from all he encounters. He's unspeakably strong (because of Mars's lower gravity, you see), utterly sterling of character, and full of Useful Skills from his years in the Confederate Army (which only seems to make him more aristocratic and noble, rather than the mindless prop of a corrupt and dehumanizing system). Yes, ladeez! You all want him! Yes, gents! You all want to be him!

It's worth reading — not because it has any value whatsoever as literature (it doesn't), not because it's at all entertaining (it isn't), and not because it will make you think, "My God, why don't people write like that anymore?" (it won't). Read it because once you do, you will never have to worry again about whether your main character is a Mary Sue (or a Gary Stu). Is the character in any way whatsoever like John Carter? No? Then you're all good.

Download the book from here.

Test your character for Mary Sueness. Update: I just did this test for John Carter. Off — the — scale, man, off the friggin' scale.